Achieving any goal has a lot to do with your ability to visualize that goal. Great athletes visualize themselves crossing the finish line first, getting a hole-in-one, or batting the ball out of the stadium. However, it may be hard for you to visualize success in love if your previous love relationships didn’t provide a good model of what you are looking for. Take some time and consider my suggestions, these methods might just aid you visualizing a positive love goal. This above all things is a process of self-discovery, and along the way, I am hoping that you may discover some preconceptions and misconceptions which have hampered your search for love in the past. The first step is to write down a “WISH LIST” for your ideal mate. By making a list of what you want, you may be surprised to find that you get exactly that. My only request for describing your fantasy mate is that it be YOUR fantasy, not your family’s or your friends’ or Hollywood’s. Avoid writing down something just because it reflects our society’s belief system, also you concentrate on inner qualities rather than things like physical appearance and social status.
(BOOST Y’R SELF-ESTEEM)
Before you can take that step to finding that ‘IDEAL MATE’ I say you have to be the ideal mate and make sure that YOUR SELF-ESTEEM is in order. So to you I say…Free yourself from “should’s”. Live your life on the basis of what is possible for you and what feels right to you instead of what you or others think you “should” do. “Should’s” distract us from identifying and fulfilling our own needs, abilities, interests and personal goals. Find out what you want and what you are good at, value those, and take actions designed to fulfill your potential. Respect your own needs. Recognize and take care of your own needs and wants first. Identify what really fulfills you–not just immediate gratifications. Respecting your deeper needs will increase your sense of worth and well-being. Set achievable goals. Establish goals on the basis of what you can realistically achieve, and then work step-by-step to develop your potential. To strive always for perfectionist absolute goals–for example, “Anything less than an A in school is always unacceptable”–invites stress and failure. Talk to yourself positively. Stop listening to your “cruel inner critic.” When you notice that you are doubting or judging yourself, replace such thoughts with self-accepting thoughts, balanced self-assessment and self-supportive direction. Test your reality. Separate your emotional reactions–your fears and bad feelings– from the reality of your current situation. For example, you may feel stupid, anxious and hopeless about a project, but if you think about it, you may still have the ability and opportunity to accomplish something in it. Experience success. Seek out and put yourself in situations in which the probability of success is high. Look for projects which stretch–but don’t overwhelm–your abilities. “Image” yourself succeeding. Whatever you accomplish let yourself acknowledge and experience success and good feelings about it. Take chances. New experiences are learning experiences which can build self- confidence. Expect to make mistakes as part of the process; don’t be disappointed if you don’t do it perfectly. Feel good about trying something new, making progress and increasing your competence. Solve problems. Don’t avoid problems, and don’t moil about them. Face them, and identify ways to solve them or cope with them. If you run away from problems you can solve, you threaten your self-confidence. Make decisions. Practice making and implementing positive decisions flexibly but firmly, and trust yourself to deal with the consequences. When you assert yourself, you enhance your sense of yourself, learn more, and increase your self-confidence. Develop your skills. Know what you can and can’t do. Assess the skills you need; learn and practice those. Emphasize your strengths. Focus on what you can do rather than what you cannot. Accept current limitations and live comfortably within them, even as you consider what strengths you might want or need to develop next. Rely on your own opinion of yourself. Entertain feedback from others, but don’t rely on their opinions. Depend on your own values in making decisions and deciding how you feel about yourself and what is right for you to do.
In life, we may find it easy to allow ourselves to love and accept multitudes of other people, but when it comes to loving ourselves we’re not as forgiving. In fact, we can be quite relentless in our pursuit of perfection. So, how then do you learn to put aside all the shoulds and should nots we face, and really begin a love affair with yourself? The first step is to realize that you are somebody. You’re a friend, someone’s son, possibly a lover, an employee or employer, or maybe even someone’s spouse. No matter how your role changes, you’re still somebody. Nothing will ever change that. The next step is to take time out to actually love yourself. In romantic relationships it is often said that true love is shown through actions, not words. Learn to apply this to yourself with the following ideas, and you’ll be on the road to a lifetime romance, with yourself!
(TAKE CONTROLL OF Y’R LIFE)
In today’s world, having a stress-filled daily schedule is normal to most people. It seems that we have a million things to do and only a short rime in which to do them. Most people want to improve their health, relationship, financial state, and quality of life, but fail to realize that the answer lies within. The only answer to gaining control of our lives in this day and age is harness-ing the power of self-discipline, building your self-esteem, and realizing you have the power of choice.To see this ability in ourselves and live by these means is very difficult for many people. It is so easy, so enticing, so utterly pleasurable to let our minds toil and hide in everyday tasks. We decide to shut our eyes to the possibility of having more or leading a higher quality life, and we settle on the reality of our day-to-day conditions and circumstances. It is the plight of the everyday lamb, who fails to notice that inside lurks a predator of success. For some people, it takes nothing more than reading and understanding this concept, and for others it takes much more. Thus begins your first step in a long journey. Throughout this book you will learn many powerful techniques to help you understand and develop discipline and control that is fast asleep inside you, waiting to be unleashed and experienced. You must understand that simply wanting something is not enough you must define, plan, focus, and schedule specific actions that you will take to have what you desire. The amazing power of control can alter your life. By simply understanding the process and forces at work in the human body and mind, you will have the greatest chance of success in your quest for self-discipline. Use the powerful techniques that you will learn in this hook to prepare a personal battle plan for achieving your desires, wants, and goals.
(FIND Y’R REAL SELF)
Quiet the noise in your head. You know those voices well; the ones that are constantly nagging you to pick up the dry cleaning, talk to the school teacher, juggle the bills, call your mother, keep the kids in line, and keep the boss happy. With all that noise going on, it will be impossible for you to hear anything above the din. This MUST be the first step. How do you do that? By setting up systems, simplifying, and establishing enough extras in your life to allow you to operate from a position of abundance, instead of lack. Learn how – and practice – thinking about yourself in healthy ways. In order to do that, you must first BELIEVE that you are valuable, and your Real Self has something to offer the world. Since you talk to yourself more than everyone else in your life combined, –that’s a lot of talk!—it’s up to YOU to establish the healthy communication in your thinking. Consciously listen to how you talk to yourself; write down the unhealthy things you say; challenge them; and replace them with facts. Talk: “You never do anything right.” Challenge: “Of course I do things right. I did (example) right. I did (example) right. This time, I just made a mistake. I’ll learn from it and have better success next time.” Listen to your heart. Sounds easy enough, but by the time we’re adults, most of us have stopped listening to our hearts and go only with our heads. Those two must reconnect in order to find your real self. It’s easy to become accustomed to thinking about your feelings instead of really feeling them. Instead of asking yourself what you think about something, ask yourself what you feel. Ask yourself why it’s important. What comes easily for you? What’s difficult? Be careful not to get hung-up on a specific goal, when what you’re really after is a specific feeling. Keep an open mind to the feelings, and be willing to adjust the methods you use to achieve them. Uncover your natural strengths and your natural talents. Trust your instincts. Look back at your childhood, and make a list of things that you used to love to do. Ask why you stopped doing them. If you always loved adventure, it’s a good bet that’s a part of the REAL you. Notice what things you now do during your day – even if only for a few minutes – when you feel the most happy. If you have no idea what the real you is, begin to experiment with things that you find you used to like. Look back again over your life, and begin to remember times when you felt the happiest. What where you doing? Who were you with? What skills were you using? Be willing to tell the truth about who you are, and what you want in your life. Stop trying to “be” whom or what you think you ought to be. Instead, determine that you are comfortable with what you want in your life, and how you want to address the world.
(GET OUT IF IT’S NOT WORKING!)
If You’ve Been Hurt Physically. Temporary Insanity may have worked for Lorena Bobbitt, but you’re not running a court of law. Ignore excuses and apologies; if violence has surfaced, it will surface again. Get out at the very first strike. When You’re Totally Incompatible. If your lover’s dream is to drop out and become self- sufficient on a farm somewhere, and you’re a city person with ambitions, one of you is going to be seriously unhappy if you stay together. Or, if you always want to go out and he or she always wants to stay home, look for someone whose social style is closer to yours. When He Or She Isn’t Even Close To Your Fantasy. If you’re a longtime luckless single, you may be tempted to stay with someone just because they’re available and willing, but don’t do it. He or she has to turn you on somewhat; there has to be some chemistry and some future. When He Or She Just Can’t Say “I Love You.” Even if there’s chemistry, if someone can’t express their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the magic words, “I love you,” you’ll never feel really satisfied with them. When He Or She Is Just Not There For You. If you’ve been dating for more than six months and you can’t count on him or her to come and get you if your car breaks down, or to be your date for New Year’s Eve, or even to feed your goldfish when you’re away on a business trip, then you don’t have a solid relationship. When You’re Afraid To Express Yourself. Being in love should bring out the best in you. It should help you be less self-conscious and make you more open and alive. If instead, you worry that you’ll upset the applecart if you say what you think, or if you’re afraid that the least little thing will destroy the delicate balance you’ve achieved, or if you feel like you’re walking on eggs all the time, get out. When He Or She Is A Philanderer. Philanderers usually leave track records behind them (see “Qualifying Someone”). If you discover your mate has that kind of history, don’t believe “never again.” The heartache and torment will never end. And in the age of AIDS, any kind of a sex life with an unfaithful mate means condoms forever. Who needs this? When He Or She Commits An Unforgiveable Act. There are single acts which are so beyond the pale that they should mean THE END. If he or she sleeps with your best friend, stands you up at the altar, or commits murder, dump him or her with no second chances. Even if you were to able to forgive, your self-esteem would never recover, and you’d still always be angry at him or her underneath. When The Same Problems Recur. Sadly, loving someone doesn’t always guarantee that you can happily spend the rest of your lives together. If you’ve broken up and gotten back together, and you’re still having the same fights, the same problems or different versions of the same problem, especially if you’ve tried relationship counseling, then give up and find someone else. When He Or She Says “I Need Some Space.” The relationship seems to have stalled, and then your partner mumbles something like, “I want time,” or “I want space,” or “I want to date,” or “I need to devote myself to my career.” Almost always, what he or she means is, “I want out.” These things happen. Don’t drag it out. Say, “Sounds like you want to break up. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I hope we can remain friends.” When The Relationship Just Doesn’t Progress. Relationships have a natural progression. If you’re not progressing and you can’t pinpoint the cause, you might want to try relationship counseling. However, if he or she won’t go, and things don’t improve, the relationship is coming to an end. Again, these things happen. Don’t drag it out.
(SELF-TEST: R U DOING 2 MUCH 4 LOVE?)
How do you know when you’re giving too much too soon?
You call them more than they call you.
You make all the plans, pay most of the time, or buy all the presents.
You are always doing something for them, and you feel cheated and angry because the giving is not reciprocated.
You sense they’re beginning to take you for granted.
You feel desperate for their love and are worried about losing them.
Your only happiness seems to be making them happy.
You pour yourself into helping them succeed, even to the point of ignoring your own life.
They’re beginning to pull away, and you keep doing more and more to get them to stay.
Your friends say you’ve changed and they never see you any more.