Lesbians are great for hanging out with, talking to about sports and beating you in arm wresting. Unfortunately, the porn industry has also done a pretty good job of convincing you lesbians also want to have sex with you.

Luckily, this real, flesh-and-blood lesbian to set you straight (heh). Without further ado, here are a few lines that are almost certain to get you ousted from lesbian ladies night at your local pool hall.  

10. “You just haven’t met the right guy yet.” No, but I certainly seem to be talking to the wrong one right now. Maybe you haven’t met the right guy.

9. “Wanna have a threesome?” No, but I’ll take your girl home and teach her a thing or two about what she’s been missing.

8. “Lesbians can’t have sex.” Oh yeah? You just keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better

7. “So who’s the man in your relationship?” Maybe you didn’t notice but there is no man in this relationship because we’re both girls. That’s sorta the point of being gay.

6. “You don’t look gay.” What is that supposed to mean? Just because I’m not wearing a bandanna and baggy jeans and riding in a pickup truck doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with you. Go away.

5. “How do you know you’re gay? Are you sure?” If you want me to answer this honestly, you’d better sit down because it’s going to take a while. See, I have to tell you about the painful realization that started when I was 14, and the agonizing coming-out process. But I probably don’t want to share this with a complete stranger, so it’s likely I’ll just tell you that, if I had any doubts before I met you, they’re gone now.

4. “I think they should just give gay people civil unions.” Gee, thanks so much for your support! Separate But Equal is always the way to go, right?

3. “But you’ve been with a man, right?” Yes, take a deep breath. I know what I’m “missing,” and I gotta tell you, fellas, it’s not much. Also, don’t take the fact that I’ve been with a dude as an invitation to question my sexuality.

2. “Dyke.”
Don’t use this word. Somehow it has snuck into everyday vernacular, but it’s derogatory and offensive. File it under “homophobic” and shut up.

1. “Can I watch?”


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