Every single gay male has heard the following naive question: which one of you is “the woman” and which is “the man”?

It’s a question only posed by straight people who are absolutely flummoxed about the nature of gay sex. Flummoxed! Of course the proper retort is, “We’re both men!” That’s the whole point of gay sex. But the thirst to understand which boy is putting his P in an A and which boy has opened his A for P is really about making gay sex legible, and legible in a heterosexual context.

Gay dudes have a term for this, too, it turns out: top or bottom. Then there are the versatile people of the world who like to flip-fuck or who are perfectly at home and talented in either position.

In some way having a label makes gay sex easier because everyone knows what to do. But the problem is that tops are almost always seen as more manly, virile, and aggressive, whereas bottoms are usually linked to effeminacy because we think they have a subservient position. Just don’t tell the power bottoms that.

People are obsessed with knowing who is the top and who is the bottom because gay sex is not necessarily legible in the same manner as straight sex. How many times have you been dating a new guy and you voluntarily told your BFF, “He’s a TOTAL TOP” or “He’s a great bottom,” or how many times have your friends asked you what was going on in the bedroom between you and a new love interest?


4 Comments Add yours

  1. garysblog925 says:

    This is so true!! Sometimes it is the first question a guy will ask or at least one of the top five. I do not limit myself to a position and for me I have to get to know the guy and then figure out from there. It is a conversation I will have with a romantic partner but there are other things that are more important, like honesty and values.

    I know that two people have to be sexually compatible and I also know that some of my best friends are guys that I am not sexually compatible with and we might of been friends with benefits but I know that I trust them with my life and that is something that a sexual position will not tell you.

    There is also the question of what if there is a medical situation that affects someones performance. Are you going to not get to know someone because they might have trouble keeping an erection? I know that I just want to know the person and everything else will work itself out. We enjoy put everyone is a certain box and I believe that is wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. renudepride says:

    Excellent! Naked hugs!


  3. PDQ says:

    Aside from a very few gay friends who know I bottom, I think my straight friends are for the most part in the dark about that aspect of my life. Before hubby died, maybe just one or two friends had the temerity to ask and I think we beat around the bush. I have talked to a couple of straight women friends about bottoming in general. Usually it’s someone who’s taken it in the ass for their man and they didn’t really enjoy it so they’re trying to figure out the appeal. I explain about “cleaning out” and how a man’s prostate is his “G Spot”, which is why it can be sexually satisfying for men on the receiving end. I do this without revealing the fact I’m a bottom.

    If a male friend was brash enough to ask me which position I take and I thought he’d be fun to play with, I’d probably tell him “Let’s go into the bedroom and I’ll show you if I’m top or bottom!”

    A guy that I’m seeing occasionally has medical issues that affect his erections and it’s kind of done a number on his head. He’s got a nice size dick and it just feels so good once he puts it in me and starts pumping. Getting him ready is my job and I embrace it. I suck him while he lays back for a while and then I swing my ass around so it’s in view and he can play with it. Then I go back to sucking on his knob. I’ve found if he’s playing with my ass, his dick doesn’t take long to stand up straight and tall. Then once he’s in me, my ass takes over. He never fails to cum – and I think it’s really improved his confidence in that area. My job as the bottom is to satisfy him and bring him to climax and I won’t take “no” for an answer.


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