If you were to ask anyone close to me, they’ll say I was a sexual deviant. But, the truth is, almost 100% of my past endeavours were at best unsatisfying and, in the past couple of years, also increasingly fleeting.
It’s not because my encounters were necessarily ‘bad’ that my sex drive has decreased, it’s because I’ve never really understood the craving for sex more than I do for intimacy.
Recently I had fun sex with a guy I’m really attracted to, but more often the experience leaves me with such a sense of ‘betrayal’ in myself after he has zipped up and left that in the most part I don’t enjoy sex.
‘I identify somewhere between homoromantic asexuality and graysexual, or ‘gray-ace’’
I continue because identifying as a gay man means having sex with men, and sometimes I find the diamond in the rough that can stoke the fire of my dwindling sexual desires.
But, what if I’m trying to tell myself something else about my sexual and emotional identity?
On the rare occasion I enjoy sex it has to be with someone I’ve developed a connection, sexual or emotional, with over time which should be the way it is anyway, right?
But when it comes to being online, I don’t look for sex to have sex, it’s superfluous to me, I look for it as a single man because it’s the shortest road to imaginary feelings of intimacy, as damaging as they may be, especially if it goes against my sexual nature.
Can I still consider myself to be gay?